"Everybody knows what the price of living is, why not take it slow, why not take it slow."

Well, this will be my third trip to Ohio in two months. First for my 10 year reunion, then a friend's wedding from college and now, I'll be returning again this weekend to see my grandmother, who is very ill and is in the hospital as I write this. I just received an update from my mother that they'll be moving my grandmother into hospice care at the hospital this afternoon, as one of her kidneys has began to fail. I last saw her in January of this year. At that time, she seemed pretty well. She is 89 and so has some health complications, poor circulation, diabetes, arthritis, but the last time I saw her, she was able to get around in her wheel chair and was still strong enough to get in and out of it herself.

It's hard to believe the rapid decline her health has taken in such a short amount of time. She has had several difficulties over the past 7 months, but has amazingly managed to rebound, never to her full strength, but well enough she could experience some degree of quality of life. Enough, perhaps, that it was worth living.

This last time, however, is seeming to be more than her body is able to recover from. I feel blessed I will be able to make the trip up there to be with my grandmother, my sister, who lives in Columbus, and brother and mother, both of whom traveled from Dallas. I know this will bring my grandmother a great deal of peace to have all of us there...

This week I've had a lot of time to reflect, especially because I was sick so I stayed home and didn't teach for a couple of days. I've cried everyday since last Friday, some of it has been about my grandmother, some of it has been about other experiences I'm working through. Nonetheless, it's been very emotional, and yet healing. The imminence of death, as the only known certainty in life, has been on my mind. When my mother told me last Wednesday, on the 12th, that my grandmother's health was rapidly declining, I didn't want to believe it was true. So, I avoided it. I wanted to call my grandmother, but couldn't manage to bring myself to actually doing it. Not until this past Monday. When I called her on Monday, she was at her nursing home. She sounded weak, slightly incoherent and distant. But, we were still able to have a conversation. I began to cry as I was on the phone with her. When I became quiet for a few moments, holding back from sobbing, she asked me, "Are you there?" I asked her how she felt, how her Spirit was, and she said it was pretty good, but that she felt annoyed, she was tired of "this", and didn't know how to make it stop happening.

She asked about when my brother and mother would be there. Then, she said she wished I could be there, as well. When she said this, I told her I would look into it, but in the back of my mind, I was thinking I probably wouldn't go. I struggled with the idea of seeing my grandmother in this condition, and thought it might be better to have the memory of her being somewhat healthy, as I remembered her in January. I went back and forth this past week, deciding whether NOW was the best time for me to go. "Maybe I can just go in a few weeks and see her then, it will be a better time...", I thought. Then, as I was driving home last night, my mom called me and said, "Your brother and I are going to be leaving tomorrow instead of Saturday. Your grandmother has gone into the hospital."

I began to realize, NOW, was the time for me to go. That there might not be a then. It's amazing how much peace Yoga brings me, especially, as I'm finding, in the times of the greatest uncertainty, which is our only certainty. Each of us will die, in the sense we will let go of our bodies. As my father said the other night, from the moment we are born, we begin to die.

I didn't like this when he said it. Though, I knew his words were true. It all depends on how we view this one known experience we all will share. I've titled this post, The Ultimate Awakening, because although this seems as though this is where life ends, to me, it is actually where it truly begins. Not that we can't be fully alive now, but death is the ultimate surrender (as far as we know it to be on this plane), the surreder of our physical self, and therefore, in the ultimate surrender, is the ultimate awakening. Ideally, it is awakening for each and every person as they make this transformation out of their physical body. But, not only is it awakening for a person as they pass through it, hopefully peacefully, but also for all those who experience the "letting go" of that person, as well. They say the most challening practice of non-attachment, is letting go of our attachment to our physical body, and of course, not just to our own, but to those who we truly love.

I began to feel stress last night, my whole body tensing up. "Why do I feel so stressed? Why is this stressful?"...I asked my mom. Well, because it is, she replied. But, how can death be a stressful thing, when it's the pose we all feel most at rest in when we come into it in our Yoga practice. Savasana. Even to say the word, is peaceful. It's the place where we become fully open. Where the mind is at rest, the body is at rest, and the heart is free. At times, we can feel the presence of this incredible Force of Life, vibrating our whole Being. And, it's the ideal place to come into to attune with the Truth, to hear the Truth, and receive guidance from a place we know resounds as True, because we can feel it in our Being.

So, I will see my grandmother tomorrow. I hope my Being there, will bring peace to her. I thought of this today, as I was driving back from class. It's called Song of the Soul, by Sankaracharya.

Song of the Soul

I am neither ego nor reason, I am neither mind nor thought,
I cannot be heard nor cast into words, nor by smell nor sight ever caught:
In light and wind I am not found, nor yet in earth and sky-
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.

I have no name, I have no life, I breathe no vital air,
No elements have moulded me, no bodily sheath is my lair:
I have no speech, no hands and feet, nor means of evolution-
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss in dissolution.

I cast aside hatred and passion, I conquered delusion and greed;
No touch of pride caressed me, so envy never did breed:
Beyond all faiths, past reach of wealth, past freedom, past desire,
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is my attire.

Virtue and vice, or pleasure and pain are not my heritage,
Nor sacred texts, nor offerings, nor prayers, nor pilgrimage:
I am neither food, nor eating, nor yet the eater am I-
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.

I have no misgiving of death, no chasms of race divide me,
No parent ever called me child, no bond of birth ever tied me:
I am neither disciple nor master, I have no kin, no friend-
Consciousness and joy am I, and merging in Bliss is my end.

Neither knowable, knowledge, nor knower am I, formless is my form,
I dwell within the senses but they are not my home:
Ever serenely balanced, I am neither free nor bound-
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is where I am found.

Shanti, Shanti, Shanti, Om

I love you grandma. Thank you for being such an amazing grandmother. And, all of the incredible memories. From the time I was a little girl, you were always there, listening to me play the piano, attending my dance recitals, piano recitals. Spending weekends at your house, playing card games with you. As I grew into a young woman, coming up to spend the weekend with you when I was in college, going out to dinner, drinking wine, staying up late, watching tv together. I know you'll be with me, wherever you are, and I'm so grateful to have had all this time to get to spend with you...infinite peace.
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