As a teacher, I've had lots of opportunities to "let-go" of needing it to be perfect and to be "in control". In the past 4.5 years, I've taught in places where it's been freezing cold, loud and noisy, music blaring and even punching bags being punched. My biggest challenge whenever teaching in these conditions, is to remain present and not become distracted by what's happening around me. To continue to guide the class deeper into their body, mind and spirit, and to be able to go there with them, despite the fact I might be feeling bothered by the distractions around me. In one of the places I teach currently, where the conditions are never certain, just like the world we live in, it's been a true growing process to be able to teach in whatever conditions are present, and still be able to focus and feel peaceful in the experience. In other words, to not need it to be different than how it is, but rather, to find the peace in exactly how it is. I must say I feel I've made strides in my ability to be able to be in seemingly stressful situations, and to still remain grounded and at peace with the moment I'm in and ultimately my Self.

Despite the opportunity for growth which is present everytime I find myself in a challenging situation as a teacher, I still want the space I'm teaching in to be as ideal as possible. And, I strive to create this everytime I teach. You might say I'm a bit of a "control-freak" when it comes to creating the optimal space for Yoga. I want the music to be the perfect pitch, the room to be able to warm to the appropriate temperature and the space we're practicing in to be serene and still. See, when the conditions in the room are controlled, then I feel a sense of control over what is, and that the students will have the best experience possible, and this has me feel grounded and secure, focused and clear.

I understand this is the complete antithesis of what I teach, but I struggle with letting go of needing to be in control as much as anyone else. The reason why I struggle with letting go of it, is because the control is like a security blanket and a disguise I can cover myself up with, so that my insecurities and uncertainties remain hidden from myself and others. The one thing we are most afraid of seeing is our own Self. Sure, many of us are seeking to know ourselves, especially those of us who practice self-awareness through something like Yoga, but nonetheless, when we actually become undone, and things start unraveling at the seam, and we feel a loss of control, we see who we really are, in the face of uncertainty and we realize the wardrobe we've been covering ourselves up with, might really just unravel right off and leave us completely naked. Yoga is the coming undone, the unraveling of all of our cover-ups and the letting go of the fear that keeps us hidden. (One breath at a time, of course, all at once would be a bit much to handle.)

And, we all cover ourselves up in one way or another. For some of us, it's our "perfect" job, spouse, house, car, hair, body, tan, face-lift, lyposuction, tummy tuck, botox, etc., etc., you get the idea. It's our controlled identity, the one we tune into when everything is being held together and we feel in control of ourselves and our circumstances.

Last night, I had an appointment to teach a private lesson out of my home. (I have a wonderful space I've created for Yoga in my new place where I live downtown.) I rushed (again, the antithesis of what I teach) to get from Frisco to downtown Dallas in time to teach the class to him. When I arrived, he was here and we went into my house, and I began to set up for the lesson...making sure everything would "be perfect." My mind was so busy from all the hurrying I had done, I couldn't even here the incessant beeping of the alarm system for the first five minutes we were here. We were engaged in conversation and I was rushing around to get everything set up. Then, when I finally began to settle down, I asked him, "What's that beeping noise?" Sure enough, it was the alarm system and it was beeping because the electricity had gone off earlier in the day. But, since it is my partner's place where I am living, I had no idea how to turn it off. Here I was, in my perfect controlled environment, and yet feeling a complete loss of control. It wasn't so much the beeping which bothered me as it went off all throughout the session and into Savasana, I managed to make the best of it, while we were in it. It was after our session, I began to feel all of the tension welling up within me. It wasn't only the beeping sound which had me feel tense, the tension was building all throughout the day, the beeping was the "last straw" as they say. It was the coming undone, the unraveling at the seams. I could no longer avoid what I'd been putting off, covering up and pretending was not there. (or at least had planned to get to "later")

Last night after the session, I felt tense, which has hardly ever happened after I teach, and certainly not recently. So, I let myself feel my tension, and I'm still feeling it today. The beeping is gone, (it just took pushing one button to turn it off) but I'm still feeling a bit uptight about things. Last night when I began to allow myself to feel everything I'd been holding in for the day, the week, and truthfully, the last 4 years, I began to cry. I let myself feel the pain which was present and has been present for quite some time now. The pain of missing feeling close to my family. I have struggled with not feeling accepted by my family. In the past I was involved in a relationship they did not approve of, and it was hard because I distanced myself from them emotionally and became closed to sharing my personal life with them. I want to be able to share my life with them, the relationship I am in, and to be able to share this joy with them. What I realize is there is a lot of hurt I never allowed myself to feel, and in order to be able to open up to the new possibility, the possibility of a close and loving relationship with them, filled with openness, I must first feel the pain I experienced over the past few years. Last night as I cried, I wondered, where all the time had gone. My mom has expressed this pain before, the pain of feeling like she's lost time with me, but I never really got it or felt it, until now. I don't believe it serves us to lament about the past, but rather, to feel the unfelt feelings so we can open up to the new. Everytime we are in a Yoga pose, this is what we are practicing, breathing into the tightness, the old, the tension, the hurt, so we can feel it, and then open up to the flexibility, the lightness, the openness, the new, the Goodness.

There are so many wonderful things happening in my life right now. Next week I'll begin teaching at Exhale Spa in Dallas, one of the premier Yoga studios in the country which employs some of the most talented instructors, teachers like Erich Schiffman, Seane Corn, and David Romanelli all teach with Exhale at their locations in California. I feel so blessed to be a part of this incredible vision and organization and to have such an amazing place to teach and practice Yoga.

Nonetheless, I still have my challenges to work through, my places of healing, my alarms to make peace with resounding in my life. I embrace the journey of going within, into the tightness, the tension, the heaviness, my Self, so I can feel and let go of the cover ups, unravel at the seams, come undone, be authentic, be real and be healed.

Namaste!

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