Just over two weeks ago I found out my dad had a tumor on his kidney. I was shocked and devestated to learn of this. The doctors felt his prognosis was good, although nothing would be for certain until the surgery and pathology reports were complete. He had his surgery on Tuesday and is currently recovering in the hospital. Learning of this news, brought the reality of mortality to my consciousness, and especially, the frightening idea of one day losing my parents, who I've been very close to throughout my life. The fear of this, brought all of my uncertainties and insecurities about everything to the surface. I've spent the last couple of weeks in a very dark and heavy place. I think I initially went into a mild state of shock and denial when I first found out about my dad. The first week, life went on as "normal" or at least I tried to keep living as "normally" a possible.

But last week, the uncertainty and fear surrounding all of this, and the anger and depression began to surface. I felt a great deal of annoyance, annoyance toward other people, toward the experience of life itself, toward my partner and even myself...The worst day was this Tuesday when I was at the hospital with my family. After the surgery was complete, I went home in the afternoon, and felt heavier and depressed than I can remember feeling in a very long time. "I thought I was done feeling these feelings,"..."what's wrong with me", I thought. Even though the surgery went well, I was still sinking to the depths of my experience. There was a feeling of relief, but along with that, absolute emotional fatigue, and all the feelings I normally push aside, or pretend are not there, or just accept as a part of life when life seems to be flowing right along the way I want it to, came rushing to the surface. Negative feelings like..."I want to get out of here", "I'm not happy here", thinking I'm not good enough, I'll never get "there", i.e. succeed, etc. It was a deeply cleansing experience...though extremely challenging and uncomfortable to feel.

The reality is cancer can be a healing experience. So often, we hear the negative effects it has on people. But, an experience with cancer can actually be a "wake-up-call" for the person who has it and for the people connected to that person. It can be one of the most illuminating experiences, because it has everyone involved confront the reality of mortality. And with this confrontation, we ultimately confront our own Self, deeply and honestly. If our intention is for true healing, then it has us see all parts of ourselves, the places we normally avoid looking at or feeling because it's just too uncomfortable to go "there." I believe my father has had an awakening experience throughout all of this, and I also believe my family and I have, as well. It's brought us closer together, and grounded us in a deeper awareness of what really matters and who we really are.

As I was driving in my car today, feeling a renewed appreciation and outlook on life, I thought about myself. You will see as you click through the website, that I've posted new photos on each of the pages. The previous pictures I had up here were from two years ago. As I was talking to my mom today on the phone, I told her about the pics. As she clicked through them I commented about how I didn't like the previous pictures, how they reminded me of the struggle I was experiencing in myself and in my life two years ago. The reality, however, is not that I didn't like the pictures, it's that I didn't like mySelf. After we hung up the phone, a thought came into my mind. I looked around at other people as I was driving and I thought to myself..."I am glad I am who I am." There have been many times in my life where I've looked at other people, aspiring to be like someone else, or focusing on my perceived inadequacies.

Matthew 22: 36-40
36Master, which is the great commandment in the law? 37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment. 39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

The reality of really loving myself, accepting myself opened up within me today, and all of this because of the journey I've been on during these past two challenging weeks. Weeks of confronting great uncertainties and insecurities about myself, about life. I open up to the possibility of truly embracing and loving myself for who I am, as I continue to awaken to the Being of Truth, Light and Love I am. And, I open up to the acceptance of each and everyone unconditionally and completely, as I learn to love myself...

Namasté...an ancient sanskrit blessing meaning...

“I honor the place within you where the entire Universe resides.
I honor the place within you of Love and Light, of Truth and peace.
When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us.”

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