Some people found my last post surprising that I would share so openly about myself. Isn't the intention of Yoga to be open and connected? To be true, honest and real? This is what I have longed for my whole life...to be loved and accepted for who I am, on my good hair days, on my bad hair days, without hair, with a zit on my face, with sadness in my heart, with pain in my body, to be able to let my Spirit be seen because I don't feel like I have to cover it up. As an incest survivor, I have dealt with enormous amounts of shame and guilt in my life. I always felt like I had a secret I had to hide. Some part of myself that was so ugly I couldn't let it be seen. Since I first spoke about it 8 years ago, I have been on a path of healing with myself and my family. Yoga has supported me tremendously on that journey, as well as, some counseling and the support of loving community and friends. While my family is supportive now, it was difficult for them at first, because they, too, had to go through their own healing process with it as they learned and realized the impact it had had on me. (It was especially difficult for them to accept me loving and being in a relationship with a woman.) My mom didn't realize the incest occurred over several years. She thought it only happened once. But, it actually happened for about 3 or 4 years between the ages of 4 and 8. Does this happen in a lot of homes? Yes, I believe it does. Even when it seems relatively innocent in nature, it still can have a tremendous impact on a child. I'm learning more and more, all the time, about how this experience affected me. And while I don't need to dwell on the past or on it, it's important to understand the impact it had. I've already become aware of so much. But, I still learn more and more all the time and have decided more recently to talk with a counselor, yet again, as I pull back another layer of self-awareness. We are like onions with infinite layers. As we know ourselves more deeply it is important to understand ourselves more deeply, as well. Self-acceptance, whether I am gay or straight or bisexual, has probably been one of the most significant parts of my healing process and journey. I feel like I am finally at a place where I love myself enough to let myself be who I am today. I feel like I no longer have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I feel like I can love who I love and no longer have guilt or shame about that or feel like I'm going to hell, which I did for a long time, almost 8 years. Pretty much in every relationship I had with a woman. This is why I have been so conflicted and confused. I realize now, this is not true. Love is love. I can let myself love and be loved by the person my heart longs to love. One therapist I went to talked about a client of hers who was bisexual. She said she was with a woman for several years, then she was with a man for several years...so sexuality is a very fluid thing for me. I know for many people it is not, i.e. they are clear about their sexual preference. But, for me, I am open to the evolution and who my heart guides me to be with. I will no longer live under these judgmental constraints of my mind of 'right'/'wrong' in relationship to who I love...

Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field; I'll meet you there. - Rumi

So, I'm going to be filming a documentary, or perhaps potential reality show, related to all of this. Love is meant to be a liberating energy. Not something that binds us to someone. How do we allow ourselves to explore the evolution of love in a liberated way? This doesn't mean sleeping around. This means feeling free in love. I've had a relationship before where it felt like I was married, even though we were not. We owned a condo together, etc. So, I've been there, done that. And, even after just a year and a half I learned so many lessons about what I would do or not do in future relationships. I realize I have no need to own a place with someone, anymore. That was something I needed then. I don't need that now. As I said before, though, I do have the intention of having a spiritual partner and being married or having a commitment ceremony with the person I love, one day. But, I'm also very aware it's important for there to be a fluidity in relationships. My film project will document all of this. First things first, though. Gotta buy a camera! I already know which one I'm going to get...just gotta take the plunge and get it. I will soon. I'm so excited to get this project underway. Of course, I'll also be exploring my own personal journey and the path of healing and evolution I've been on, as well.

One of the Yoga studios I'll be teaching at in McKinney (starting in June) called Yoga Balance and is owned by Tracy Carruth, an incredible and inspiring Yogini in the Dallas community, just told me they added a subtitle to the name of the studio, which is, 'Be Free.' I love that. Isn't that what we are longing for? Freedom. How do we feel free in love without that meaning 'infidelity.' I think it will be very enlightening to explore all of this. I'll keep you posted as the project unfolds.

I went to my first Yoga class at a studio in a long time. I had never been to Sabra Hanson's class at exhale spa, but it was awesome. I've known Sabra for almost 7 years. I have the intention to go to other teacher's classes, but sometimes it's difficult to find the motivation. A friend invited me to attend her class with him. Sometimes Yoga teachers need encouragement, too. It's awesome to feel I am getting connected to more and more people in the community who are inspired to walk this spiritual path of Yoga. Several of us went to a talk given by a monk from the Self-Realization Fellowship last night. It was awesome. As Paramahansa Yogananda, the founder of the Self-Realization Fellowship says, wherever you go you shall be met with friends. This reminds me God is always opening my heart to meet kindred souls along the way. Spiritual friends who come into my life right at the right time to even suggest something as simple as going to a Yoga class. We all need friends on the path and what a blessing it is when we are aware we are surrounded by souls who are walking with us, each on our own journey, and yet, together.

A GREAT NEED

Out

Of a great need

We are all holding hands

And climbing.

Not loving is a letting go.

Listen,

The terrain around here

Is

Far too

Dangerous

For

That.
-Hafiz

Really, we are all walking the path even though we are all evolving at a different pace. Even though, nowadays, it feels like because of the obvious interconnectedness of everything, the evolutionary pace is becoming increasingly synchronized. Yogananda says, eventually, all communication will be telepathic. (Haven't you realized how much you already communicate telepathically with the people you love and know? Nothing is hidden...really...all is known. I feel like so much of my communication with others already happens this way.) I believe this is why it's important to continue loving even if we must let go for a time being, meaning we are not able to have physical contact with a person. Nonetheless, we can still love from afar. And, while with an intimate relationship there may come a time when we realize the time of physical intimacy with that person has completed itself or needs to dissolve, I believe we can still open to a spiritual love between each other. It's important to not try to change people but to continue to hold the vision for being the healthiest person you can be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and through this commitment with yourself, be an inspiration to others growing and evolving into the best person they can be, as well. But, it has to happen when each of us is ready for it. No one can push us or make us. The inspiration must come from within. As I mentioned in my last post, my last partner and I were not in a healthy place when we met each other. When relationships start this way, it's very difficult to both grow into a healthier place simultaneously. Sometimes it can happen, but that depends on many things. So, sometimes we must give each other the space to evolve. Again, this is what Michael Brown says, love is giving someone the space to evolve. So, are you able to love someone so much, and yourself, that you are willing to let go to give each other the space and time you need to evolve? And, are you willing to let go of forcing or pushing for that person to evolve at the same exact pace as you? What if their evolution takes several years. So many of the Yoga poses take years to grow into. Does that mean we should stop practicing them/loving them, i.e. give up? No. We must find our relationship with the pose where we grow into it in a conscious, healing, loving way, without aggression or forcefulness and with great patience. To force a Yoga pose is the antithesis or Yoga/Love. Love is allowing. It's ok to not know what our future with someone is meant to be. It's ok to let go but allow love to evolve. Each person can find the space they need to find and open to new relationships along the way, but continue to love and care about each other and be open to the evolution of love with one another. I think this is a powerful way to be. I think our hearts long to love and there really isn't anyone we want to let go of once we have loved them. Do we need to find our space and boundaries with people? Yes. But, there's a way of being, once we have taken care of our self in the way we need to, to find that, that allows us to still love everyone and everything that's been in our life. Do I think toxic relationships exist? Yes. Do I think people can be toxic, i.e. not making healthy choices for themselves? Yes, I think they can be. But, I think the natural desire of the human body is to feel well. So, in time, I believe we each find our way. We each learn to make the better choices for ourselves that heals and releases the pain we are feeling. I mean, just think about it...the bodies natural desire is to heal. Not only from sickness, but anything that causes us to feel pain or discomfort. Sooner or later, we realize the foods that are best for us, the relationships that are best for us, the exercises that are best, the spiritual practices, etc. This is true for all of us. We each desire to feel well. And this quote by Pema Chodron, from the last post, reminds us the body is all we need...it really is our teacher and healer. Well, it's the grace of God, the Spirit, breath that allows us to heal when we open to it and surrender our will to its Will, where it's guiding us to go and let go so we can grow in a better way.

"It's also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that's sitting right here right now... with its aches and it pleasures... is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive." -Pema Chodron

So, I'm hoping to go to this Yoga and music festival called Wanderlust. I wanted to go last year but didn't make it. Of course I'll be there with video camera in hand. Wanderlust is a one-of-a kind Yoga retreat and music festival taking place July 29-August 1st at Squaw Valley USA in North Lake Tahoe. Obviously, in an incredibly beautiful setting. So, we'll see. But, whether I go or not, you should definitely know about it. Perhaps you'll be able to make it. Shiva Rea will be there. Just sounds like an amazing experience and a really fun place to meet a lot of awesome, fun-loving Yogis on the path. Lots and lots of beautiful people on the inside and out. One more quote for you before I relax and enjoy the weekend. This is what the poet Mary Oliver says in "Wild Geese":

You do not have to be good
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting,
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Have a wonderful weekend...

Om namah shivaya gurave~

Oh, also, renowned Yogi, Andrew Eppler, will be in Dallas next weekend at the Dallas Yoga Center. I highly recommend checking out some of his classes. Andrew is an incredible Yogi and travels the world teaching workshops. He lives outside of Norman, Oklahoma in a house he built with his own two hands. He's a carpenter and a true Yogi and also a magician. Just a beautiful person, all-in-all.

And, I know so many of you ask me to post info about your products and articles on the True Yoga Blog. I will be making an effort to get much of this posted soon. And, I will also be having a Yogini fiend help me with making updates to the True Yoga Blog, which, I'm so excited to have her help. So, please keep sending your requests and we will get them posted, in time. Thank you for your patience. Eventually, we will have a section on the True Yoga website where we will also be able to suggest and sell products, as well. I'm looking forward to the site becoming much more interactive and a powerful resource to support you in your Yoga journey and evolution. Read more